How Getting Sober Changed My Dating Life

Finding a connection with someone is difficult enough. But when you're sober, you're subject to a different set of rules.

I recently went on a date with a very cute med school student I picked up on the train. We were sitting at a hip restaurant and things were going smoothly. I was having a good hair day, she was laughing at my jokes, I was Zestfully clean. The waiter dropped the wine list and she asked, "Want to share a bottle or wine or something?"

Gulp.

There goes my swagger.

When I made the decision to get sober, lots of amazing things happened. Drama in my life saw a sharp decrease. My anxiety plummeted. I began to see the world without the alcoholic lens I had been looking through since I was 16. My life, unquestionably, got easier.

But dating got harder. A lot harder.

Finding a connection with someone is difficult enough. But when you're sober, you're subject to a different set of rules.

Drinking is one of the many socially acceptable ways to mitigate the self-protective barriers we erect to deal with dating. It loosens us up. It releases endorphins, making us feel confident, good-looking, and hilarious. It's the perfect first date accessory — to everyone except the sober guy. We have to feel all those feelings without liquid courage. We are the few. The proud. The insecure.

As a sober person, I created four rules for myself that other guys don't have to follow.

Rule No. 1: behave responsibly.
I'm always sober. So I can't blame any of my behavior on being drunk. Because of that, I need to behave responsibly.

But there's an infinite gray area: Is it okay/creepy/manipulative to kiss a girl if she's drunk? What about just hitting on girls if they're drunk? Where do you draw the line?

The line, I think, needs to be drawn at a personal level. What behavior will you be feel good about in the morning? If you wake up and have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you did something wrong, you've probably crossed that line.

And for me personally, as a sober person, keeping myself out of moral quagmires is priority number one. Feeling like shit about myself is the first step on the path to the dark side. And relapse.

Rule No. 2: Be honest, but don't go nuts.
In an effort to stay honest with ourselves, and the people we're dating, we have to drop the "S" BOMB. (Cue dramatic music.)

Honesty is important. But equally important is not bringing up anything so heavy that it will impede us from getting to know each other. The same way someone who has had a horrible childhood trauma doesn't drop that depression nugget on the first date. I'm not on this date to make anyone question their relationship with alcohol.

"Hi, I'm Daniel and I'm an alcoholic" is the world's worst pick up line. So when you tell a girl you're out on a date with that you don't drink, timing is everything. Do you do it before you order drinks? Running the risk that she won't order any booze out of some weird, unearned solidarity? Or do you let her order a beer first and allow your Diet Coke be the shot across the bow? Running the risk that she'll feel weird or guilty about having ordered a glass of wine?

Usually the person you're out with will let the first non-alcoholic beverage pass without comment. Often, it's the second round where your date will ask about your curious (square) drink selections. Sometimes it'll be, "Do you want to split a bottle of something?" and other times, they'll drop the heinous phrase, "drink drink." As in, "Aren't you going to have a drink drink? Ugh.

Your hand is forced. Time to drop the bomb. But I like to keep it light. I'll casually say, "Ehh, I'm not a drinker" Or a joke, (Hulk voice) "You wouldn't like me when I drink."

I find, "I don't really drink" suffices. Most people don't inquire further out of politeness. And if they do, I'm happy to answer questions as casually and comfortably as possible. If I'm light about it, they will be, too.

On a first date, I feel what everyone feels. I want to like and I want to be liked. The trouble is, if I tell people I'm sober, what follows is an insane urge to tell them my WHOLE story. From my sad childhood to my abusive parents to how I cleaned up my act. But I have found that this is completely unnecessary.

Dating is about being authentic. It's about not trying to color your date's experience of you in an attempt to try to find a connection. If I tell my whole story upfront, then I am too quickly creating a narrow lens through which that person sees me. And while I've never met anyone who didn't respect the fact that I'm sober, this fact alone puts me into a category in their mind. I'm sober, yes. But it's only part of my story and who I am.

Rule No. 3: Accept the Krunk Fairy.
While there are plenty of date-ish activities that don't center around alcohol, it's important to accept that the Krunk Fairy is a tricky bastard and will follow you to unexpected places. For instance: I went with an old girlfriend to a fancy cooking class I bought her for Christmas. Just as I was settling into what I thought was the booze-free safe zone, the teacher immediately pulled out a liquor bottle and quipped, "Ah, Bourbon. The most important of all cooking ingredients." Damn you, Krunk Fairy!

If l ask a girl out, it's rarely for a drink. Although I know there will probably be alcohol wherever we go (hey, I used to drink; I know how awesome it is) I try to minimize the chances of having to drop the sobriety bomb as soon as we sit down. So I usually will ask her to dinner or some other activity. I'll typically avoid bars (where the only thing to do is drink) or church (where we'll have to drink the sacrament).

Rule No. four: Don't sleep with a girl for the first time when she's drunk.
This should speak for itself. Don't be a creep.

So there I was in a swanky Soho restaurant with a girl who wanted to split a bottle of wine with me. After moment I said, "Nah, I don't really drink." She shrugged and saod, "Oh cool. My uncle is sober." What followed was a great night. I got my swagger back.

The longer I am sober, the less weird I feel about it. And therefore the less weird others feel about it. It's an important part of my life and I neither regret the past nor do I wish to shut the door on it. But if I'm going to tell you my story, it won't be on a first date.

That's what the second date is for.

Resource: cosmopolitan.com