What is this, a dating show or a slasher movie?!
Because she's been there and done that, literally, former Bachelor contestant/tear fountain Ashley Iaconetti is recapping this season of The Bachelorette for Cosmopolitan.com. With insider insight as well as a clear eye for what's going down in the love connection stakes, read on for her thoughts.
You guys, I've never "loved to hate" anyone on this show more than Chad. I really don't even want him to leave because I find him enthralling. Horrible, but completely captivating. Is this just me?!
Picking up right where we cut off last night amid Chris Harrison's intervention, the top of the episode confirms Chad is still in the running and not being kicked off for his bad behavior. Having turned over this new, calm leaf, Chad says he'll give Evan $20 to replace the shirt he ripped, but refuses a real apology because, he believes, he's done nothing wrong.
And besides threatening people's lives, he really hasn't! (Well, he was a bit snippy with JoJo, but that'll bite him in the butt in time.) He believes all the other guys are trash-talking him to blow up his game with JoJo. Interestingly enough, throughout the episode, I got so many pro-Chad tweets; there's a Bachelor Nation contingent pretty sure that Alex and Evan are the real instigators. I think the truth may lie in between, and that the guys probably should start focusing more on their personal relationships with JoJo, not with Chad.
Incidentally, a lot of people ask me if Bachelor villains are really as villainous as they seem on TV. I can only speak from my own experience, but the girls of my season all agree that Kelsey Poe was even worse than she appeared on TV.
Later that evening, JoJo eliminates Christian, Ali, and Nick "Santa Claus" B. Seeing as their exits come in the middle of another Chad-centric episode, they're even more likely to be forgotten, poor things. But they still get a rose candle!
I'm upset that we didn't get to know Prince Ali and his piano skills better; I'll just have to get to know him better on my own I suppose. Also, I'm confused how James F. and Daniel are still there, particularly after the tipsy theatrics the latter put out there on the first night?
But there's no time to stop and think because guess what, guys! Big news! We're going to … NEMACOLIN, PENNSYLVANIA!!! This news was probably as anticlimactic as when my group found out we were going to Deadwood, South Dakota. Still, once the guys arrived at their wilderness lodge or whatever (it's probably a day spa IRL), it actually looked like a pretty nice, manly place — and there's got to be lots of sources of fresh meat for Chad, now forever also known as the Chad bear, in the surrounding woods.
The great American outdoors calls for a date with, in my opinion, the most masculine man there, Luke. He and JoJo go on husky-pulled bobsled ride to their very own hot tub. Luke reveals a body hotter than said hot tub (which is so hot it burns JoJo, for context's sake), and the shot of his hand on JoJo's ass lasts at least 10 seconds. That's a long-lasting shot in TV time. They're having a great time!
Later in the date, Luke opens up about his military past — the intense responsibilities he had, the losses he suffered, and how this experience has impacted this outlook on life. Luke's a gentleman, and his warmth and depth really impressed me. He wins "Best All Around" superlative at this point [Editor's note: and surely the gig as next season's Bachelor if things don't work out with JoJo?!]. After another romantic concert moment, he gets a rose.
The group date card arrives next, and the only two names missing are Alex and Chad, so you know what that means … we're going to witness an epic two-on-one face-off date. Who saw that coming?! My biggest fear is that these two are more dramatic than Kelsey and I were. The ever-building anticipation for this face-off means the group date this week is even less compelling than usual: The guys arrive at the home of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Heinz Field, for some football drills led by Ben Roethlisberger. While the guys tackle and wrestle and, in James T.'s case, refuse to get stitches for a nasty bloody cut on his eyebrow, JoJo has some girl talk with Big Ben on the sidelines, revealing some of the guys she's really falling for. They seem like old pals; Roethlisberger is obviously one of those guys who watches The Bachelorette with his wife Monday nights and then breaks it down for the guys in the locker room the next day. (This really happens. I used to report the NY Jets beat.)
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I felt at first like this might be all a bit awkward for Jordan? I mean, his brother is one of the greatest quarterbacks in the league and he's like, "Hey, Ben, what's up? I'm on The Bachelorette." But somehow he lucks out by landing the best position in the football game that follows: quarterback for both teams, which guarantees him a spot at the night's cocktail party. In other sports news, it should be noted that Wells has some wide receiver skills, Chase is looking better and better each episode to me, and also that Evan gets his second bloody nose of the episode out on the field.
The blue team wins, which means Robby, Jordan, Evan, James T., Vinny, and Derek get extra time with JoJo. In his private time, Robby opens up about his loved-up feelings in true emotionalBachelorette bro fashion, and then he and JoJo make out on a pool table. Still though, he's upstaged: in an effort to prove his seriousness, Jordan tells JoJo that he's "falling for her" — and as a thank-you for his open heart, JoJo gives Jordan the date rose.
And OK, it's time for the two-on-one! Unlike my showdown with Kelsey in the Badlands, the insults and arguing between Alex and Chad begin as soon as their date card arrives.
And not even just among themselves — before leaving for his date, Chad threatens Jordan that once the show is over, he will come to his house and hurt/haunt/kill him. My best friends and I were once threatened in a similar way on a cruise ship once when our neighbor thought we played Miley Cyrus too loud.
Two-on-one dates never have a real planned activity. This season they go on a hike, Ben's season they hung out on a strip of beach, and on my season we sat on a bed in the middle of nowhere. Alex spills on all of Chad's awfulness once he gets JoJo alone and, really, the second he mentions that Chad threatened Jordan's life, it's clear her decision was just about made — when Chad admits to insinuating violence in his alone time, he's dunzo.
Chad returns to the rock on the middle of the creek to confront Alex about his tattletale ways, and yes, I experience some serious PTSD. I'm pretty sure he's going to turn to Alex and say, "I know what you did." Instead, he says something almost as memorable: "I'm not very happy with you." That is a line straight out of a creepy stalker horror movie, really. He follows this up by saying, "It's too bad I can't hurt you right now without getting in trouble." (Also, some stuff about milk.) Is there a public record of how many bar fights this dude has been in?!
And then JoJo arrives to deliver her decision. The truth is, I'm not sure she wants to keep either of these men, but she extends the rose to Alex. As she and Alex hike off together, it's time for angry Chad to bash JoJo, and he calls her a fake and an actress. Meanwhile, back at the house the boys are toasting to Chad's departure — you have to marvel at the producers' preplanning, because there's champagne and liquor ready to go for a toast. End scene.
Except, wait, nope! As darkness falls, we cut to Chad hiking and eerily whistling his way through the woods until he reaches the guys' house — even though he's already been eliminated and so probably shouldn't be allowed back there.
In what can only be describes as a Scream-level scary moment, he scratches his fingernails down the glass and we're going to be forced to wait two freaking weeks to find out what happens next. Without the security guard, though, things aren't looking good.
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